The NFL season has started but how do you know which games to watch and which to skip? Ask our favorite police duo with their good cop, bad cop precaps of all the Week 5 matchups in the National Football League this weekend. To see which games will be televised in your area, check out 506sports.com’s essential NFL maps. If you’re worried about watching too much football or if you’re negotiating for a little break during the weekend, read our weekly feature, Do Not Watch This Game.
Week 5
Sunday, October 5, at 1:00 p.m. ET
Buffalo Bills at Detroit Lions
Good cop: The legendary Kyle Orton comes off the bench to lead the Bills against the Lions!
Bad cop: He’s legendary for his neck beard, not his football prowess.
Baltimore Ravens at Indianapolis Colts
Good cop: Baltimore takes on the team that Indianapolis stole from their city! It’s the ultimate revenge game!
Bad cop: The Colts left Baltimore 30 years ago — do you really think people are still angry?
Chicago Bears at Carolina Panthers
Good cop: Two good teams with high hopes for the year face off after crushing defeats last weekend! I want to see which team can bounce back!
Bad cop: More than just crushing, those defeats last week were revealing of flaws that neither of these teams are going to be able to overcome this year. Let’s move on.
Houston Texans at Dallas Cowboys
Good cop: It’s the battle of Texas! The lone-star state! Everything is bigger and better in Texas, especially their two 3-1 football teams!
Bad cop: You got me. I’m going to watch this game until Texans defensive lineman J. J. Watt eats and digests Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Which will happen within five minutes.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Jacksonville Jaguars
Good cop: Last week the Steelers lost to a winless Tampa Bay team! Will Jacksonville get their first win this weekend?
Bad cop: No.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New Orleans Saints
Good cop: Avast there Matey! This game pits the two scurviest crews of scalawags in a contest of blood and guts! Yaaaarrr!
Bad cop: You do know that Saints are not a type of pirate, right?
Atlanta Falcons at New York Giants
Good cop: The Giants are on a roll! The Falcons are on a roll! After this week, only one will remain on a roll!
Bad cop: First it’s pirates, now it’s sandwiches? You’re confusing. And making me hungry.
St. Louis Rams at Philadelphia Eagles
Good cop: I’m fascinated by the Eagles! They’ve overcome injuries to almost all of their offensive linemen to make it to a 3-1 record over the first four weeks. How long can they keep this up?
Bad cop: I’m having trouble expressing why, but I just don’t want to watch this game. And I don’t think anyone else who isn’t a green-fonted lunatic would want to either.
SUNDAY, October 5, AT 4:05 and 4:25 P.M. ET
Arizona Cardinals at Denver Broncos
Good cop: The 3-0 Cardinals and the defending ACF champion Broncos must have used their bye (or off) weeks to plan how to beat each other! This game is going to be a festival of tactics!
Bad cop: Tactics you say? I’m going to go all the way out on the limb and say that the team with Peyton Manning is going to beat the team without Peyton Manning
Kansas City Chiefs at San Francisco 49ers
Good cop: Two teams on opposite trajectories! The Chiefs are springing back to the top of the heap after a bad first two weeks! The 49ers’ curve is like a U so far! Win, loss, loss, win!
Bad cop: Both teams are stumbling their way to winning half their games and losing half their games. That’s literally average. Could. Not. Be. Less. Interesting.
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers
Good cop: Is this the last chance for Jets quarterback Geno Smith? He’s exciting to watch but he makes lots of mistakes including cursing at the New York fans in New Jersey last weekend!
Bad cop: Every disappointing, angry New Yorker should get a chance to go to San Diego. They just shouldn’t start at quarterback.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5, AT 8:30 P.M. ET
Cincinnati Bengals at New England Patriots
Good cop: The day of reckoning is here for the Patriots! Tom Brady has had nothing but bad things to say all week! Bill Bellichick hasn’t really said anything but you can tell he’s not happy! They need to beat the Bengals to right the ship but the Bengals are undefeated!
Bad cop: Day of reckoning? I reckon the Patriots will find a way to win nine games this year. Which is probably all they’ll need to make the playoffs because their division is so weak.
MONDAY, October 6, AT 8:30 P.M. ET
Seattle Seahawks at Washington Redskins
Good cop: It’s… uh… umm… football! Hooray!
Bad cop: Do not watch this game.