Many of you will remember the humorously colored terror scale that was put into place shortly after September 11, 2001. It was called the Homeland Security Advisory System. Whether or not it was effective is a question for Dear Cranky Political Guy, but it was widely mocked. For example, a website called imao.com vamped back in 2003 on what the colors meant for various things:
I hear a noise at night.
*Green: That’s just the house settling; go back to sleep.
*Blue: Probably nothing, but you better check it out.
*Yellow: Grab your gun and call 911.
*Orange: No time for police; run through your house shooting anything that moves.
*Red: Initiate the house’s auto-destruct sequence; leap out window.
You see a hippy.
*Green: Punch him.
*Blue: Kick him.
*Yellow: Punch him then kick him.
*Orange: Punch him then kick him and then stomp on him.
*Red: Strangle him.
We here at Dear Sports Fan decided that now that the Department of Homeland Security is no longer using a color scale… we should! So without further ado, we give you the Television Monopolization Index. We hope it serves everyone who shares a television with a sports fan. We feel your pain.
Severe: Yeah, just give up on this one because not only are you not going to win but your protestations will not even be audible over the sound of rushing blood in your sports fan’s ears. You don’t have to understand it, you just have to know it’s true.
Examples: Super Bowl, World Series, March Madness, or any playoff game involving his or her favorite team.
High: It’s pretty bad. On the one hand, you will not get any reliable answers regarding anything of any import – on the other hand, this might be a great time to mention that you are planning to adopt a puppy and thank your sports fan for agreeing to walk it every morning. (Try to get something it writing.)
Examples: Any playoff game or final match in a tournament.
Elevated: You can cash in a chip here and make a stink – you may have a shot at eye contact, making out (if that’s what you and your sports fan are into) or even scrabble (again, are you into that? try it while making out…) This is a fantastic game to suggest watching in a bar where alcohol could really tip the tables in your favor.
Examples: A regular season game for a favorite team or a game that’s going to be water-cooler talk tomorrow.
Guarded: The romantic comedy might need a few guns (think Gross Pointe Blank) or some serious eye candy (Lost in Translation or The English Patient) but a compromise is entirely possible.
Examples: Any game in a sport that your fan likes and follows.
Low: The night is yours. Make some popcorn and turn on whatever you want.
Examples: Women’s dead-lifting, the first 25 miles of a televised marathon, the first six days of a cricket match.
Watch out for daily updates to the TMI, exclusively on DearSportsFan.com!