All year, we’ve been bringing you previews of every NFL game thanks to our two football focused members of the police force. Well, some police force anyway, we’re not really sure what they do when they’re not arguing about football. We weren’t going to have them do a Super Bowl precap edition (mostly for contractual reasons, their rate goes up as the season goes along) but I happened to overhear them in the break room. I quickly turned my recorder on and later transcribed what I heard. Here it is.
Super Bowl XLIX
Sunday, February 1, at 6:30 p.m. ET, on NBC
New England Patriots vs. Seattle Seahawks
Good cop: It’s the Super Bowl! All the excitement of the football season wrapped into a single game! I can’t wait!!
Bad cop: That’s just the thing. There are only two teams left. Football is at its best on Sundays when you can sit down on the couch and watch 28 teams play for ten hours straight without moving. In so many ways, the Super Bowl is a let down. There are only two teams, there’s only one game. Most likely, even if you’re a football fan, your team isn’t playing. No fantasy football.
Good cop: But this Super Bowl is the culmination of the whole year! And we’ve got the best two teams playing! The Patriots and Seahawks were the two teams with the best records in each of their conferences and now we get to see who’s better! It’s one of the most closely matched Super Bowls in history!!
Bad cop: Did you read Five Thirty Eight’s article headlined, “The Patriots And Seahawks Are The Best. This Could Be The Worst Super Bowl Ever?” All the most closely matched Super Bowls have resulted in not very good games.
Good cop: Come on! It’s such a small sample size! This is only the… uh… well… What does XLIX mean anyway?
Bad cop: It sounds like a diarrhea medicine to me.
Good cop: 49!! That’s what XLIX means!
Bad cop: Ugh. 49. Next year is going to be insufferably full of 50th anniversary nonsense. Still, it can’t possibly be more insufferable than the lead-up to this year’s Super Bowl. All this talk of deflated footballs and cheating. Makes me not want to even watch the game.
Good cop: No way! You’ve got to watch the game! For all the distractions, this is still one of the most exciting Super Bowls ever! Everything about it is compelling! From characters like New England coach Bill Belichick and Seattle coach Pete Carroll to the quarterbacks, Tom Brady and Russell Wilson, to the Seahawks near legendary defense to the excellent philosophical contrast in the game’s plot!
Bad cop: The problem is not really the game, it’s just that the Super Bowl always kind of stinks. Either you go to a party and it’s too distracting to watch the game or you sit at home and watch it yourself and feel left out. You can probably guess which one I do.
Good cop: Hey, you wanna come over? I’m just having a few people over! They’re all either football fans or openminded people who are curious about the game! Also, we’re following a bunch of Albert Burneko’s Super Bowl recipes!
Bad cop: Yeah, sure. I’ll come over at 5:30. I’ll bring some whine.