Sports talk is frequently used as a common language but it’s far from universal. If you’re someone who doesn’t follow or even understand sports, you can find yourself at a disadvantage in common small-talk situations like in an elevator, waiting for a bus, sitting at a bar, or around the proverbial water cooler at work. Even if you are a sports fan, it’s impossible to watch everything and know everything. To help in these situations, we provide lines to use when engaged in a conversation about all of the high profile sporting events of the day, plus explanations of what they mean.
NFL Football
Indianapolis Colts 18, Miami Dolphins 12
Line: I hope the Colts don’t make the playoffs, but I feel awfully good for Frank Gore.
What it means: Many years ago, Frank Gore was a star running back for the University of Miami Hurricanes college football team. Today, in what was likely one of his last games in South Florida, he scored two touchdowns and helped push his team to victory. Their win means that they have not been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. I happen to think that the Colts don’t really deserve to make the playoffs this year, but I’m still happy to see Gore play well in such an emotional game.
Chicago Bears 26, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21
Line: Hard to believe that after 15 games, the Bears are still a complete mystery. Are they good? Are they bad? Huh?
What it means: Normally, you can peg how good an NFL team is after about four or five games. This year’s Bears team is as confusing as any team I remember. They’ve won six games and lost nine, but they also seem to have had terrible luck. Are they a talented team that caught some bad breaks? Or are they dysfunctional to the core? We may never know.
Cleveland Browns 13, Kansas City Chiefs 17
Line: The Chiefs have actually clinched a playoff spot while the Broncos haven’t. How weird is that?
What it means: Although the Chiefs are behind the Denver Broncos in the standings for their four team division, thanks to the vagaries of the NFL’s tie-breaking procedures, they are guaranteed a spot in the post season but the Broncos, (who are ahead of them in the standings, for god’s sake,) are not. I guess that’s because, even if the Chiefs lose all their remaining games, the worst they could be is tied for the last wild card spot, and they would then win the tie-breaker against whoever is tied with them while the Broncos, in the same situation, might lose the tie-breaker. It’s a weird situation that will probably resolve itself on Monday night when the Broncos play the Bengals.
New England Patriots 20, New York Jets 26
Line: You think the Patriots threw this game?
What it means: Controversy and conspiracy theories always seem to surround the New England Patriots. The idea that they intentionally lost this game to the Jets is absurd, but the loss may be beneficial. The Jets win, coupled with a loss by the Pittsburgh Steelers, may end up costing the Steelers a playoff spot. The Steelers have been the team in the Patriots’ conference that people believe is the most threatening to the Patriots…
Dallas Cowboys 6, Buffalo Bills 16
Line: Think the Cowboys wish they still had Weeden?
What it means: This is a little foreshadowing. Read on to the Texans vs. Titans game to learn more about Brandon Weeden. For now, it’s enough to know that he’s a quarterback who played well today, which is something the Cowboys didn’t have and desperately needed.
Carolina Panthers 13, Atlanta Falcons 20
Line: The Champagne corks will be popping in Miami.
What it means: The 1972 Miami Dolphins are the only team in history to go throughout an entire NFL season undefeated and win the Super Bowl. So, some obnoxious members of their team ostentatiously drink champagne each year when the last undefeated team in the league, in this case the Carolina Panthers, loses. At least they’re enjoying themselves. Unless the Champagne is only metaphorical. Please tell me it’s physical. Please?
San Francisco 49ers 17, Detroit Lions 32
Line: Maybe Blaine Gabbert is not the answer.
What it means: The San Francisco 49ers entered this season with Colin Kaepernick as their starting quarterback. Although there were some questions swirling around him, Kaepernick was still the young phenom who had led the team to the Super Bowl only a couple years ago. Certainly, he would be their leader for the next decade. Not so fast. By midseason, he was gone, and in his place played Blaine Gabbert, a former first round pick of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Things started out well for him, and some 49ers fans may have hoped their team had stumbled into something good. Now it looks like maybe Gabbert isn’t the answer at quarterback either.
Houston Texans 34, Tennessee Titans 6
Line: Brandon Weeden!!!
What it means: The Texans starting quarterback in this game was Brandon Weeden. Why is that something to holler about? Well, he’s starting for his second team this year after the Dallas Cowboys fired him just a few weeks ago. This is a rarity in the NFL and honestly, as much as people like to make fun of Weeden (mostly because his name is Weeden but also because he failed spectacularly as a young player,) it’s impressive that he could learn another team’s offense and the language they use for their plays in mid-season. He played extremely well in this game and it’s lucky for the Texans that he did, because a loss would have had disastrous consequences for their playoff hopes. As it is, they should win their division and make the playoffs.
Pittsburgh Steelers 17, Baltimore Ravens 20
Line: Never turn your back on a rival.
What it means: The Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens have had the fiercest rivalry over the past fifteen years. Games between them are always hard-hitting and often close affairs. If any one shouldn’t have been, it was this one. The Steelers came into it as one of the hottest teams in the league, while the Ravens were a mess, starting their third quarterback of the year and without their best running back or wide receiver. As you can tell from the score, things didn’t go as planned for the Steelers. They can still make the playoffs, but they’ll need help. The Ravens, on the other hand, will be laughing all throughout the offseason.
Jacksonville Jaguars 27, New Orleans Saints 38
Line: If Drew Brees is going out, he’s going out with a bang, not a whimper.
What it means: Quarterback Drew Brees has been the most visible player for the New Orleans Saints for the last decade. He led the team to a Super Bowl win and is said to have embraced and been embraced by the city like few other sports figures. There are rumors that this may be his last season with the team. If that’s true, this was his last game in New Orleans. Suffering from a foot injury that would have kept most players out of the game, he played and dominated. My guess is that he was trying to make a statement to management, reminding them what they’d be losing if they get rid of him.
St. Louis Rams 23, Seattle Seahawks 17
Line: The Seahawks too? So much for momentum.
What it means: Like the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Seahawks were one of the hottest teams in the league before this game. After a disappointing loss to a divisional opponent, the Seahawks are also not assured a playoff spot. They’re more likely to make it than the Steelers, but the loss is equally surprising, even if the consequences are less likely to come to fruition.
Green Bay Packers 8, Arizona Cardinals 38
Line: Anyone feel like betting against the Cardinals in the playoffs? As long as Carson Palmer is upright? I didn’t think so.
What it means: The Arizona Cardinals have a rare combination of excellent offense and excellent defense. Most great teams are noticeably better on one side of the ball than the other but the Cardinals are balanced and magnificent. They’ve had the potential to be this good for the last couple years, but each time, quarterback Carson Palmer has gone down with an injury and everything has unraveled. As long as Palmer is healthy, this team will be a force to reckon with, probably deep into the playoffs.
New York Giants 17, Minnesota Vikings 49
Line: This is what happens when a team that cares plays a team that doesn’t.
What it means: The New York Giants knew coming into this game that they had already been eliminated from the playoffs. The Minnesota Vikings knew that they a win would help their playoff positioning. Despite being professionals, motivation matters. As is often the case, the motivated team destroyed the unmotivated one.