Thanksgiving football gifts

Thanksgiving is a celebration of abundance. As divorced as most of us are today from the actual harvesting of food, we can still give thanks for the many good things we have in our lives. The ideal Thanksgiving celebration has lots of everything: food, family, cheer (both emotional and liquid,) and lots of football! Thanksgiving is not really a gift giving holiday but why not celebrate the abundance of life with some enjoyable Thanksgiving and football related presents. I know it’s getting close to Thanksgiving itself, but thanks to the wonders of Amazon and their horde of delivery drones [note from the federal government: Amazon is totally not using drones, we are sure of that. Well, pretty sure anyway.] it’s not too late to get yourself or a family member a lovely Thanksgiving treat. In addition to our free Thanksgiving Guide to Football for the Curious, here are a few fun selections:

Gobble Gobble T-Shirt or Onesie

By far the most elegant of the Thanksgiving Turkey/Football clothing I found, this clever design creates the shape of a football from the words “gobble gobble” and thereby inextricably links holiday meal to sport and vise-versa.

Gobble Gobble

The Main Course is Football T-Shirt

If you like colors, this shirt comes in thirteen colors ranging from the expected white, grey, and beige, to unexpectedly bright greens, yellows, and oranges. The design shows a football with a drumstick attached. The makers of the shirt do not recommend you actually serve a football to your Thanksgiving guests but that could be one interpretation. If you decide to give it a try, please write me and tell me how it goes.

Happy Thanksgiving

Baby Demands Football and Turkey

I have to say, if you’re looking for something to put your baby in that’s Thanksgiving themed, you can do a whole lot worse than going with the football element of the holiday. Half of the baby clothes I found on Amazon involve dressing the baby up as a turkey. Oh, sure, it’s totally common to say that a baby is cute enough to eat but I think actually camouflaging your baby as the main dish may be one step across that invisible line. This baby bib matches my Thanksgiving sentiments exactly and simply has the baby demanding turkey and football.

Bib

Peanuts Deluxe Holiday Collection

Who doesn’t love the Peanuts? This collection includes Its the Great Pumpkin, Charlie BrownA Charlie Brown Christmas, as well as the classic A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. It also has special features like this free video of behind the scenes footage describing the creation of the famous scene where Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown.

Of course, if you’re worried about keeping your family busy while you cook (or conversely while you watch football if that’s the side of the holiday you’re on…) then you’ll need The West Wing so you can watch this:

 

What does it mean to throw the ball away in football?

Dear Sports Fan,

What does it mean to throw the ball away in football? I’ve been watching some football and I’m not totally ignorant about the game, but this phrase has always confused me. I know there’s a foul for intentional grounding. How can throwing the ball away be a good thing if there’s a foul for it?

Thanks,
Diane


 

Dear Diane,

Throwing the ball away in football is what a smart quarterback does when he scans the field and realizes that none of his wide receivers or tight ends are far enough from a defender to safely throw the ball to. The cost of an unsafe throw can be very big. If a defender catches the ball (called an interception,) the quarterback’s team loses possession of the ball. On the other hand, throwing the ball where no one can get it simply results in an incompletion. It wastes one of the offensive team’s downs (or chances they have to advance the ball) but that’s usually not a big loss. The trick is, as you mentioned, that sometimes simply throwing the ball to no one is illegal and the cost for being caught intentionally grounding the ball is severe. Let’s go over the rule and then look at ways that football team’s skirt the rule so that they can throw the ball away without being penalized.

The intentional grounding rule reads as follows:

Intentional grounding will be called when a passer, facing an imminent loss of yardage due to pressure from the defense, throws a forward pass without a realistic chance of completion.
Intentional grounding will not be called when a passer, while out of the pocket and facing an imminent loss of yardage, throws a pass that lands at or beyond the line of scrimmage, even if no offensive player(s) have a realistic chance to catch the ball (including if the ball lands out of bounds over the sideline or end line).

So, what does all that mean? First of all, it establishes the rule as subjective. It’s up to the referees to decide whether or not a pass has a “realistic chance of completion.” This is a funny thing when you think about it, because football players make catches routinely that have fans leaping out of their chairs and screaming in disbelief. One of the reasons to watch football is to see great athletes doing things that seem unrealistic. The subjectivity is necessary because the intent of the rule is to penalize quarterbacks for intentionally throwing the ball where no one can get it. So, we assume that football refs are used to what players can and can’t do, and we move on. The second thing this rule does is that it carves out a scenario where it’s legal for a quarterback to throw the ball fifty yards up into the stands if they feel like it. If the quarterback is “out of the pocket” he’s allowed to do this. The pocket is defined as an area starting where the offensive line lines up for a play and extending back from the left tackle’s left butt cheek and the right tackle’s right butt cheek into infinity. All a quarterback needs to do to be within his legal rights to throw the ball away is to run outside of that area and make sure he throws it past where the ball was when the play started. This keeps him from throwing it straight into the ground but it’s not much of a safeguard because quarterbacks can almost always reach the sidelines with a throw, even if they are actively being mugged.

Nonetheless, you’ll hear commentators complementing quarterbacks who throw the ball away from the pocket or chiding those who don’t all the time. This is because it’s totally common and accepted for a quarterback to throw the ball far enough from a receiver that it’s going to be safely incomplete 99.5% of the time but near enough to a receiver to establish the plausible deniability needed to avoid a penalty. As you watch football, you’ll learn to identify these times. A common scenario is a screen pass where the offensive team pretends to block as if they were protecting the quarterback but do it poorly enough to invite the defenders to overextend towards him. Then the quarterback is supposed to flip the ball over to a running back lurking several yards to the side, hopefully unnoticed by the defense. If any defenders catch on to this or “sniff it out” in football talk, the quarterback is in a tough spot because he’s about to get smashed by defenders who have been intentionally allowed a clear path to him but he has nowhere to safely throw the ball. Quarterbacks in this situation routinely throw the ball hard into the ground near the running back’s feet. Everyone knows he meant to do this but everyone also accepts that he won’t be penalized for it because the running back, acting as a potential pass receiver, was in the area where the ball hit the ground.

There’s a sports cliche that suggests that “if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” Throwing the ball away lives in that murky grey area between legal and illegal. It’s an area that leaves fans of a quarterback who throws the ball away feeling proud of him without qualms, even while fans of their opponents are righteously indignant. Or at least they would be if they even thought about it anymore. Most fans have long ago stopped worrying about this inherently unfair aspect of football.

If you enjoyed this post, you might find value in my Guide to Football for the Curious. Get a copy here!

Thanks for the question,
Ezra Fischer

 

An Adrian Peterson Update

I’m often hesitant to write about controversial sports stories on Dear Sports Fan. This is for a few reasons. The core goal of this site is to close the gap between sports fans and non-sports fans, and controversial sports stories are often divisive and insular. They’re most interesting to people already invested in sports and explaining them won’t often make anyone be more open to sports culture. I’m also just not that into them. I would much rather spend an hour watching two junior high-school teams play lacrosse than an hour reading or talking about most sports controversies. Sometimes a story is big enough that ignoring would not be being honest with myself or with you.

The story of Adrian Peterson is one of those controversies big enough that it should be thought about. This September, Adrian Peterson, a star NFL running back, was indicted by a Texas Grand Jury for “reckless or negligent injury to a child.” He had beaten his four-year-old son badly enough that the son was brought to the hospital. TMZ found and printed images of the child’s injury. The NFL, already awash in the Ray Rice domestic abuse story, found a loophole in their rules and bylaws that allowed them to effectively remove Peterson  from public view without having to suspend him and therefore initiate a potential appeals process with the NFL Players Association. About a week ago, Peterson struck a deal with Texas prosecutors that allowed him to avoid jail time and any felony charges, pleading guilty only to a misdemeanor. Just today, the NFL announced that Peterson would be suspended without pay for the rest of the 2014 season and possibly beyond that. Peterson plans to appeal.

Action on the part of the legal system forced the NFL’s hand and the NFL’s action has brought this story back into the public eye. Now that some time has passed from the initial story, especially TMZ’s coverage, I hear more and more arguments creeping back into the sports opinion-o-sphere contending that Peterson’s actions are being misunderstood because physically disciplining children is a “cultural thing” that Southern/Black (I’ve heard both arguments) people do commonly but the Northern/White people in charge of the NFL/Media do not understand. Let’s be clear about this.

This isn’t a cultural thing.

I’ll be the first to admit that there is and should be a cultural debate about the acceptability of physically disciplining children. I’m interested in that conversation. I was raised to believe that physically disciplining children was wrong but that there was some truth to the principle of “spare the rod, spoil the child.” It’s a curious dichotomy. Let’s, by all means, have that conversation in our communities and on parenting blogs. But please, please, please, let’s leave Adrian Peterson out of it. You see, what Peterson did to his son cannot reasonably be included in any conversation about discipline. Just because banks lend money to people doesn’t mean robbing a bank is okay. Just because lots of consenting adults enjoy sex doesn’t mean rape is okay. Just because people spank their children doesn’t mean whipping a four-year old so severely that he’s hospitalized is okay. It’s not. Robbery is not a form of borrowing. Rape is not a form of sex. Adrian Peterson’s abuse of his son is not a form of discipline.

There are, of course, lots of other intriguing facets to this story. You can place it within the larger story of the NFL’s inconsistent, confusing, and generally out of control pattern of player discipline. You may point out the hypocrisy of the NFL’s new-found harshness in dealing with violent offenders compared to their past record of leniency. It would be altogether understandable to point out that there’s something problematic about the NFL’s power over football players who truly do not have any other reasonable recourse to make a living playing football. The NFL is a sanctioned monopoly and has special tax-exempt status which should and probably will be taken away from them in the next couple years but it is still a private organization and it shouldn’t be required to guarantee employment to anyone for any reason. What about the dynamic between the NFL and its teams? The NFL has taken the lead on this case but in recent years, it’s allowed the teams to be the main actors in terms of player fines and suspensions. Which is better for the players? Which is better for the league?

There are so many questions and interesting avenues to pursue in this horribly unsavory story. The cultural conversation around physical punishment is not one of those. Let’s all be annoyingly firm on that point if people try to pull that argument on us at work or at a bar or on the internet. It’s worth it to take a little flak for something that is right.

Take this job and shove it. Sports style.

Sometimes it all gets to be too much and you have no choice but to do what the characters in the classic movie Office Space do and find an alternative.

Whether you’re a corporate lawyer, an NFL football player, or a feline mascot, the lesson from the guys at Initech holds true. Here are their stories.

I love bad teams and I recently quit my job to experiment with building a career in sports, but even I think what this Knicks fan is doing is a little wacky. Fired from his job as a corporate lawyer, Dennis Doyle decided to go to every Knicks game this season.

Living Out Knicks Dream, Complete With Nightmares

by Scott Cacciola for The New York Times

Few Knicks fans (if any) have chosen to express their existential crises by committing to attend 82 straight games. During a rebuilding season. And paying for it, in more ways than one.

“I could kind of understand if someone had wanted to follow LeBron around in Miami for a year,” Doyle said. “That sounds kind of nice, actually.”

The Knicks, on the other hand — well, Doyle has prepared himself for a long season.

Former NFL player Jason Brown left his own job as an NFL player to start a farm… even though he didn’t know how to farm! Not to worry, he’s a smart guy and youtube exists. No problem. Now he lives happily and gracefully as a farmer.

Why a star football player traded NFL career for a tractor

by Steve Hartman for CBS News

Jason Brown quit football to be a plain, old farmer — even though he’d never farmed a day a in his life.

Asked how he learned to even know what to do, Brown said:

“Get on the Internet. Watch Youtube videos.”

His plan for this farm, which he calls “First Fruits Farm,” is to donate the first fruits of every harvest to food pantries. Today it’s all five acres–100,000 pounds–of sweet potatoes.

Even if you can’t actually speak, you can still go on a work stoppage. That’s what Mike the Tiger has done this season down in Louisiana. He’s simply refused to get into the trailer which brings him to LSU home football games and his trainers, to their credit, refuse to force him. Nice work!

The Mascot Will Sit This One Out, Thanks

by Jonathan Martin for The New York Times

When the No. 14 Tigers took the field Saturday night for a nationally televised game against No. 4 Alabama with playoff implications, their beloved mascot once again did not join them. For all seven home games this season, Mike has refused to leave his well-appointed residence for the mobile cage that would take him into the stadium.

[LSU public address announcer, Dan] Borne, however, said he could not blame Mike for staying home. After all, more than a few college football fans enjoy sitting outside stadiums alongside their vehicles, watching games on television while enjoying beverages and food fare far superior to the offerings inside.

“My vision of Mike,” Borne said, “is that he’s inside there, he’s got four or five high-def screens, a remote control the size of Vermont for that big paw, and he’s just watching all the great football going on on Saturdays.”

Thanksgiving is coming. Can't you smell the… football?

The turkey’s in the oven. Your family has descended on the house like a horde of benevolent Vikings. The table is set, even the kids on down at the end of the room. Everything is under control. It’s time to take a deep breath, pour yourself a drink, and go visit with your loved ones. Thanksgiving is underway.

Wait, what is this? Everyone is gathered around the television. They’re watching football! Chomping away on pretzels, yammering about third downs, fantasy points, and encroachment. Gah! Every year this happens. It’s not that you hate football, it’s just that you’ve never understand what’s so special about it. Why do people like it so much? How does it work anyway?

Most years, you’d simply slip out and go smoke a cigar on the roof with Aunt Erma or talk gardening with Cousin Salvador. This year is different. This year, you have a secret weapon, an ace up your sleeve. This year, you read the special Thanksgiving 2014 edition of Dear Sports Fan’s Guide to Football for the Curious. You start out slow, with a few nods and grunts of agreement. Then you break out some technical talk about going for it on fourth down or whether you like the over or under in the game. Pretty soon you’re identifying defensive formations and making accurate predictions about whether you’re seeing a run play or a pass play developing. Your family is impressed.

Stay and watch or leave to enjoy some down time with a book and that pecan pie. You don’t need to watch football on Thanksgiving but it’s a big part of the holiday for some of the people you love and now you know all about it. Of course if you’re the sports fan in your family, you may not need this guide. Now that you understand a little bit of how it might feel to be a non-sports fan at your family gathering, it’s your responsibility to (kindly and thoughtfully) help include them.

For a free copy of the Guide to Football for the Curious with bonus Thanksgiving 2014 content, subscribe to the email newsletter here.

Week 11 NFL One Liners

On Mondays during in the fall, the conversation is so dominated by NFL football that the expression “Monday morning quarterback” has entered the vernacular. The phrase is defined by Google as “a person who passes judgment on and criticizes something after the event.” With the popularity of fantasy football, we now have Monday morning quarterbacks talking about football from two different perspectives. We want you to be able to participate in this great tradition, so all fall we’ll be running NFL One Liners on Monday. Use these tiny synopses throughout the day:

Week 11

Sunday, November 16, at 1:00 p.m. ET

Houston Texans 23, at Cleveland Browns 7

The Texans spent their bye week preparing a new quarterback to start this game against the Browns. Meanwhile, their starting running back missed the game with a groin injury. No worries, they won easily.
Line: The Browns look good on paper but they’ve played a very easy schedule so far. Get ready for heart break in Cleveland.

Atlanta Falcons 19, at Carolina Panthers 17

The Falcons are now tied for first place in the NFC South division with four wins and six losses. The Panthers have lost five games in a row and are only one game back with three wins, seven losses, and a tie.
Line: This division is awful!

Minnesota Vikings 13, at Chicago Bears 21

After being humiliated last weekend on national television, the Chicago Bears came out and… well… still looked kinda shaky but they won at least.
Line: Beating the Vikings is better than losing to the Vikings, but it’s not anything to write home about.

Cincinnati Bengals 27, at New Orleans Saints 10

Welp, If it weren’t for the aforementioned terribleness of the NFC South division that the Saints are in with the Panthers, Falcons, and Buccaneers, it would be time to write off this Saints team. As is, it’s enough to say they aren’t playing up to the standard they set in the last few years.
Line: The Saints are so bad, even the Bengals can beat them.

Denver Broncos 7, at St. Louis Rams 22

When this game was almost over, I, like every other person who writes about football in the world, was anxiously checking to see what I had written and how sheepish I was going to have to be today.
Line: It’s actually not so bad, here was the Good Cop, Bad Cop preview for this game.

Good cop: The Rams are one of those teams that plays to the level of their competition! That means they will play extremely well in this game because that’s how good the Broncos are!

Bad cop: At 3-6, I think even you have to admit that the Rams play at least a little bit below the level of their competition.

Seattle Seahawks 20, at Kansas City Chiefs 24

The conclusion from this game has to be that the Chiefs are for real and the Seahawks aren’t. We’ll see how foolish that seems three weeks from now, but for now, that’s what to say.
Line: The Chiefs are for real and the Seahawks aren’t.

San Francisco 49ers 16, at New York Giants 10

Man, the 49ers were lucky to win this game. They kept trying (not really, but it seemed that way) to give the Giants the win, but the Giants quarterback, Eli Manning, just kept throwing interceptions — five in all.
Line: Eli Manning throws five interceptions and the 49ers only win by six points? Not impressive.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27, at Washington Redskins 7

Both these teams are terrible. The difference might be, that even coming into yesterday with only one win, the Buccaneers could still be harboring playoff hopes in their division where the best team only has four wins!
Line: I can’t wait to hear what the sports radio people in D.C. are going to say about their team today.

SUNDAY, November 16, AT 4:05 and 4:25 P.M. ET

Oakland Raiders 6, at San Diego Chargers 13

A win is a win, but after starting the year so impressively, Chargers fans have got to be anxiously shaking their heads following this ugly game.
Line: The Raiders are still winless, but if they could play the Chargers over and over again, you’d think they’d win a game pretty quickly. The Chargers don’t look good anymore.

Detroit Lions 6, at Arizona Cardinals 14

Hey, cool! In a matchup of two very good, very defensive teams, their game actually turned out to be good and low-scoring. The Cardinals did all their scoring in the first quarter and then hung on to win.
Line: The Super Bowl is in Arizona this year and the Cardinals are serious about becoming the first “real home team” in NFL history.

Philadelphia Eagles 20,  at Green Bay Packers 53

This game was more about the Packers than the Eagles. Right now, it doesn’t look like there’s a team in the world that can slow down the Packers’ offense.
Line: Nice game by the Packers but what was with those throwback uniforms? SO UGLY!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16, AT 8:30 P.M. ET

New England Patriots 42, at Indianapolis Colts 20

Hmm. Things change fast in the NFL, but if you had to guess right now, a Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots Super Bowl would seem like a good bet. The Patriots don’t look beatable either.
Line: This game used to be the marquee matchup when it was Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning. New Colts quarterback Andrew Luck is great but even he couldn’t live up to the spotlight.

As the world turns: evolution of sports culture

The sports, they are a-changin’.

Today we bring you four stories about how the sports world is changing to adjust to the wider cultural changes of 2014. From the long-pending acceptance of families with same-sex parents into mainstream sports culture to the inevitable dissolution of the NCAA’s hypocrisy to the generational shift away from football to less brain-injury inducing sports, to the simultaneous banning and normalization of the N-word, the world is shifting and sports is adjusting to fit in.

One of my favorite parts of writing Dear Sports Fan is reading other great writers cover sports in a way that’s accessible and compelling for the whole spectrum from super-fans to lay people. Here are selections from the best articles of the last week:

This article tells the story of a family remarkable in its formation and makeup but exemplary in its core of love and support. The sports connection is the son in the family, Max Lenox, who is in his senior year at West Point where he plays point guard for their basketball team.

Max Lenox’s amazing journey to much-admired Army hoops captain

by S. L. Price for Sports Illustrated

It was strange, really, how the fear just leaked away. The first days and months Dave and Nathan kept an eye out for any effect of Corrine’s drug abuse on Max, but within a year his tensing had stopped. He grew up moving so hard and fast, and he picked up sports — gymnastics, swimming, soccer, tennis — so easily. Yes, Max was diagnosed with ADHD, but intelligence tests found him average to above, and besides, half of suburbia seemed to be popping Adderall.

He emerged as a rising talent in the D.C. area, an AAU star known for unselfishness and for twists that would soon grow into dreadlocks. Neither Dave nor Nathan had a sports background; one Christmas, Max gave Nathan Basketball for Dummies. And nothing, Dave and Nathan say, taught them how not to parent more than the rabid, backbiting AAU scene. Of course, few AAU parents had seen a family like theirs, either. Double takes, puzzled looks — Max’s teammates loved to see the nickel drop. Black kid, two white men: What the … ?

What follows here is my favorite part of the article. This is how sports can operate as a progressive force in society. Within a sport, if someone is honest about themselves, every cultural belief they have should be secondary to observations of performance and conduct within the field of play. Good for teachers and coaches like Fletcher Arritt who put their own beliefs secondary to their responsibility to the students or players.

A Woodson connection provided an option: Fork Union Military Academy, a Baptist boarding school in rural Virginia. Never mind that coach Fletcher Arritt had spent more than 40 years at FUMA reshaping more than 200 egocentric, unhappy or plain underbaked prospects into Division I freshmen. FUMA prohibited homosexual acts, mandated thrice-weekly chapel attendance and didn’t allow what Arritt calls the Five P’s — press, parents, posse, perfume (girls) and penguins (bad refs). Cellphones were banned. It seemed the worst match for someone like Max.

When Carter, Max’s AAU coach, called the then 70-year-old Arritt to give him a scouting report, he said, “Coach, I want to be honest with you: He has two dads.”

“What does that mean?” Arritt said.

“They’re gay,” Carter said, thinking, Here it comes.

“I don’t care,” Arritt replied. “Is he a good kid?”

The Washington Post has a long history of taking down seemingly invincible institutions… ask Richard Nixon. So when they and their respected sports editor Sally Jenkins set aim at the NCAA, I sit up and take notice.

It’s not that the NCAA doesn’t know what it’s doing; it’s that the NCAA doesn’t know what it’s supposed to be doing

by Sally Jenkins for the Washington Post

The need to dissolve the NCAA and put its Indianapolis headquarters into foreclosure has been fully demonstrated in the past weeks. Repeatedly, the NCAA exceeds its authority in petty matters or intrudes in large matters where it has none, while completely failing in its one real responsibility: education.

Before any talk about how to “fix” the NCAA comes the question of what it is needed for at all. To establish rules? It has no means of enforcing them — short of extortion tactics. To negotiate TV contracts? All the big conferences can do that for themselves and are establishing their own networks. To stage championships? The biggest event of all, the $440 million College Football Playoff, isn’t even run by the NCAA, but instead by the five power conferences in the Football Bowl Subdivision, who hoard the revenue.

The NCAA has proven incapable of reforming itself, or anything else.

Wright Thompson specializes in cultural description sports articles that make me want to read everything he writes AND take a road-trip with him. In this article, he gives his readers a glimpse into  the true Texas football culture of today. Not everything is Friday Night Lights anymore but if you go on this trip with him, you may meet some familiar faces. The selection I chose was from Thompson’s profile of country musician and former football player Charlie Robison.

9 Exits on America’s Football Highway

by Wright Thompson for ESPN

He lights another Marlboro Red, checking football highlights on the television. His knee aches when the bus rumbles along the highway, town after town, year after year. Vicodin helps him out of bed in the morning, 16 surgeries total on his knees. After so many concussions, he sometimes finds himself in the grocery store without a clue why he’s there. His 11-year-old son, Gus, is a star athlete who refuses to play football; he says watching his dad get out of bed cured him of that temptation. Charlie needed football, to sort out who he was and to become who he wanted to be, living in rough-and-tumble Bandera, a place still fighting for itself. His son, living in a moneyed enclave near San Antonio, doesn’t ask those questions. Football is something from his family’s past he wants to avoid.

Baseball is Gus’ sport, and Charlie coaches his team. Instead of pushing his son to remake his mistakes — which his hard-driving father, also a coach, pushed him to make in the first place — Charlie celebrates Gus’ decision, even brags about it, understanding on some level that it makes all the pain that football caused him somehow mean something. A cycle has been broken.

The NFL has been a popular cultural target this fall. They’ve been behind the curve on domestic abuse and child abuse. They have been seen as being arrogant and unyielding in the face of criticism while simultaneously pandering to public opinion without pause. On the subject of this next article, the N-word, it’s less clear where the NFL lands. Are they out in front, leading the charge or are they reactionaries, holding on to cultural history that’s no longer relevant. I suppose, it depends who you ask.

Redefining the Word

by Dave Sheinin and Krissah Thompson for the Washington Post

There are some who would say that debating the merits of the n-word is missing the bigger picture. The problem isn’t the n-word. The problem is racism. But it’s easier to fight a word than a complex, institutionalized system of oppression.

If life were as simple as the National Football League would like us to believe, the United States could simply police the word with yellow penalty flags, as if everyone were referees. A yellow flag on the hip-hop artist with the egregious lyrics. Another flag on the white kids at the mall, dropping the word on one another with no thought to its history. Another, if you wish, on the NFL for trying to ban in the first place a word used largely by African American players to other African American players.

NFL Week 11 Good Cop, Bad Cop Precaps

The NFL season has started but how do you know which games to watch and which to skip? Ask our favorite police duo with their good cop, bad cop precaps of all the Week 10 matchups in the National Football League this weekend. To see which games will be televised in your area, check out 506sports.com’s essential NFL maps. If you’re worried about watching too much football or if you’re negotiating for a little break during the weekend, read our weekly feature, Do Not Watch This Game.

Week 11

Sunday, November 16, at 1:00 p.m. ET

Houston Texans at Cleveland Browns

Good cop: The first place Cleveland Browns take on the second place Houston Texans!

Bad cop: The Texans are only second in their division because the Titans and Jaguars are a combined 3-16. The Texans are so bad, they just benched their starting quarterback in favor of Ryan Mallett, a guy whose only experience so far has been carrying Tom Brady’s pads.

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers

Good cop: This game is these two teams’ best chance to get themselves back in the thick of the playoff hunt!

Bad cop: I’m glad you don’t say they’re good teams, because they’re not. It’s just that they’re in a division with no winning teams at all in it.

Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears

Good cop: After being humiliated last weekend on national television, how will the Bears respond against the Vikings?!! I want to know!

Bad cop: I would have responded by firing the coach.

Cincinnati Bengals at New Orleans Saints

Good cop: The Bengals are falling apart, the Saints are stumbling along, and somehow, I just think this game will be high scoring and exciting!

Bad cop: Falling apart. Stumbling along. Status quo on Bourbon Street.

Denver Broncos at St. Louis Rams

Good cop: The Rams are one of those teams that plays to the level of their competition! That means they will play extremely well in this game because that’s how good the Broncos are!

Bad cop: At 3-6, I think even you have to admit that the Rams play at least a little bit below the level of their competition.

Seattle Seahawks at Kansas City Chiefs

Good cop: This could easily be the best game of the day! Two 6-3 teams, fighting it out with two of the best running backs in the league, Marshawn Lynch and Jamaal Charles!

Bad cop: Okay, this game might be tolerable to watch.

San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants

Good cop: The 49ers this year are down but not out! They keep clawing and scratching and fighting! They’re keeping themselves in the playoff hunt through sheer moxie!

Bad cop: Moxie in New Jersey. Sounds like a terrible children’s book.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Washington Redskins

Good cop: I fully expect this game to be a close, high scoring shoot-out!

Bad cop: Right. Because the ineptitude of these two teams’ offenses is only surpassed by the total incompetence of their defenses.

SUNDAY, November 16, AT 4:05 and 4:25 P.M. ET

Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers

Good cop: Could this be the week the Raiders get their first victory of the year?!

Bad cop: No.

Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals

Good cop: Come on Bad Cop, even you can’t find something bad to say about a game between a 7-2 team and an 8-1 team!

Bad cop: The 8-1 team’s quarterback tore his ACL last week and now they’re starting Drew Stanton whose career quarterback rating is under 70.

Philadelphia Eagles at Green Bay Packers

Good cop: It’s cheesesteaks against cheese-heads! The Packers are coming off a 55-14 win over the Bears and the Eagles off a 45-21 win over the Panthers! These teams are red hot!

Bad cop: I’d rather just eat cheese, but if I had to watch football too, this game wouldn’t be all bad.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16, AT 8:30 P.M. ET

New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts

Good cop: It’s Tom Brady against Andrew Luck!

Bad cop: For the last time — there are literally 104 other players in this game. Maybe the quarterbacks are three or four times more important than anyone else, that still means they only control 6-8% of the game.

MONDAY, November 17, AT 8:30 P.M. ET

Pittsburgh Steelers at Tennessee Titans

Good cop: 

Bad cop: Hahahahahaha. Do not watch this game.

What happened on Thursday, November 14?

  1. Goalie gets offensive: It’s very rare in NHL hockey for a goalie to score a goal. It happens only once every decade or so when a goalie takes a shot at the opposing team’s empty net. More frequent but still rare is the goalie assist. San Jose Sharks goalie Antii Niemi got an assist last night in the Sharks 2-1 win over the Tampa Bay Lightning.
    Line: Goalie assists are like when a pitcher hits a home run in baseball — unusual and fun.
  2. Past beats future, present beats the Nets: The Chicago Bulls, whose chance to win a championship may be in the rear-view mirror thanks to Pau Gasol’s age and Derrick Rose’s inability to stay healthy, beat the young, up-and-coming, Toronto Raptors 100-93 in Toronto. Meanwhile, over in California, a team built to win now, the Golden State Warriors beat the visiting Brooklyn Nets 107 to 99. Could be some of my own fan’s pessimism, but I don’t the Nets are built to do much of anything this year… or any year in the foreseeable future.
    Line: The Bulls beat the Raptors but Derrick Rose hurt himself again. That’s like three injuries in twelve games.
  3. High scoring college football games: In the two featured college football games last night, there were a total of 168 points scored! That’s a lot. The Cincinnati Bearcats beat the East Carolina Pirates 54-46 and the USC Trojans beat the California Golden Bears 38-30.
    Line: I can almost guarantee that those were two of the five best college football games this weekend. Shame I missed them!
  4. A throwback NFL game: The Miami Dolphins beat the Buffalo Bills last night in a game that looked, at times, like football from 20 or 40 years ago. For the entire first half and a good portion of the second, no one scored a touchdown. It wasn’t bad offense, just really good defense, so this was enjoyable to watch. Then, in the third quarter, the Dolphins finally broke through on offense, scoring a touchdown, and on defense where they scored a safety after pressuring Bills quarterback Kyle Orton to take an intentional grounding penalty in his own end-zone.
    Line: I love watching that type of throwback football where the defenses dominate the game.

Do Not Watch This Game 11.15.14 Weekend Edition

For sports fans, the weekend is a cornucopia of wonderful games to watch. This is particularly true in the fall with its traditional pattern of College Football on Saturday and NFL Football on Sunday and Monday. As the parent, child, girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, husband, wife, roommate, or best friend of a sports fan, this can be a challenge. It must be true that some games are more important to watch than others but it’s hard to know which is which. As a sports fan, the power of habit and hundreds of thousands of marketing dollars get in the way of remembering to take a break from sports and do something with your parent, child, girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, husband, wife, roommate, or best friend. To aid all of us in this, and just because it’s fun, I’m going to write a weekly post highlighting a single game that is ideal for skipping. Use this to help tell yourself or someone else: “Do not watch this game!”

Monday, 8:25 p.m. ET, NFL Football, Pittsburgh Steelers at Tennessee Titans. It’s on ESPN but do not watch this game!

Sports pundits never tire of telling you that the NFL is the most unpredictable professional sports league out there. “ANY GIVEN SUNDAY” they shout at each other on TV even though they’re seated mere feet from each other and mic’d with thousands of dollars worth of high-end audio technology. They’re right, of course, one of the reasons professional football is so exciting is that it is very difficult to predict what will happen over the course of a season. For one thing, the fact that teams only play sixteen times each year means that anyone trying to predict what will happen has a very small sample size to work with. Then there’s the sheer number of people on each team who have a major impact on the outcome of the game (~25 in football compared to 11 in soccer, 7 in basketball, or 1 in any baseball game involving Madison Bumgarner…) Add to that the revolving door created by constant injuries to major players, mix in the greater impact that coaches have on the game, and you end up with a truly unpredictable sport.

That said, the Titans have no chance to beat the Steelers on Monday. Look. I mean, of course they have some chance but it just doesn’t seem all that likely. The Steelers are a good team that’s prone to very bad losses. They provided the Tampa Bay Buccaneers with their only victory this year. Tennessee is better than Tampa Bay but their timing is not nearly as good. Because, you see, the Steelers just had one of those bad losses last weekend when they lost 20-13 to the blundering New York Jets. Following losses this year, the Steelers are 3-0. Again, a very small sample, especially for a team that wins most of its games, but it’s a little more compelling when compared to the Titans record after losses this year: 1-5. All but three of the Titans games this year have been after a loss… because they’ve lost almost all their games.

Quarterback is the most important position in football and often a good short-hand for figuring out if a game is worth watching. The Steelers quarterback is a two time pro-bowler, Ben Roethlisberger, having one of the best years of his career. The Titans quarterback is a dude named Zach Mettenberger, known in part for posting and then being taunted for having posted a selfie before his first start this year. He’s started exactly as many games in his careers as Roethlisberger has won Super Bowls —  2. Honestly, the best part of this game was probably what NBC Pro Football Talk covered in their article on the game: an NFL record will be set on Monday for the two starting NFL quarterbacks with the longest combined last names. Roethlisberger-Mettenberger is quite a mouthful!

If you or the sports fan in your life is a fan of Pittsburgh or Tennessee, this is probably not the game to skip. Why not take a break from football on Saturday when the Florida State Seminoles play the Miami Hurricanes? I know it’s a rivalry game but Florida State has won the last four games and are almost definitely going to win this one too. That’s an eternity in college football.